Words from a Father

Husband of One, Father of Four

Tag: funny

498. Quote: Your Dad on Diet Food

“I’m calling it: If celery is a diet food based on how much work your body does, so are barbecued ribs.”

—Your dad

463. Don’t Answer

Son, never answer any question that begins with, “If you were on a deserted island and you knew you’d never see me again . . .”

It is always a trap.

In fact, never answer hypothetical questions.

449. Shows Parents Will Enjoy

Young kids like to watch shows, and they really like it when you watch with them. Pick ones you think are witty or interesting so you won’t be bored out of your mind. Try these:

  • Word Girl
  • Ruff Ruffman
  • Signing Time (surprisingly good music for a kid’s show)
  • Veggie Tales
  • Garfield and Friends (the original is funnier than the computer animated one)
  • Phineas and Ferb

446. Funny Upon a Time

There was a time when the comics were actually funny.

You can borrow my Gary Larson “Far Side” collection to find out what that’s like. Or “Garfield” or “Calvin and Hobbes” or “B.C.” or “Wizard of Id”.

354. Kleptomaniac

If you’re a kleptomaniac, don’t worry. There’s something you can take for that.

347. The Impossible

God seems to accomplish the impossible every day, especially in nature. I’ve never heard of a bird having to make a crash landing.

293. Solitaire

Imagine how much further we would be technologically if Microsoft hadn’t included solitaire with their operating systems.

252. Waitresses (Server)

Don’t eat where the waitresses are too skinny. If they don’t eat there, you shouldn’t either.

210. Prize

It used to be that winning something meant you got a toaster.

Contrary to how you feel, you are not entitled to anything. Be glad for whatever you receive, be it little or much.

208. Quotes: Craig Ferguson on Writers

“My next guest is a writer.”

“A what?”

“A writer! He’s like a blogger, but clever.”

—Craig Ferguson, late night show host, referring to Mitch Albom

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